Saturday afternoon, sunshine, busy shopping street in Budapest, the Hungarian capital. I picked a spot, I walked up to it then I took off my dress. Within seconds, two police officers appeared. I was told to put my dress back on and I refused. They said what I was doing was against public morals. They were worried about the public’s reaction. Then a guy came up and drew a heart on me. Then more people came and did the same. (Someone also turned a heart into a penis, and someone wrote beautiful on my chest.) I’ve been told I’d be escorted to the police station. I put my dress back on then one of them made a very long phone call. I had to explain through her to her boss the performance in detail. While one of them was on the phone, the other one confessed that she personally would support what I was doing. Eventually (to my surprise) they ended up letting me continue, even assured me that they would stay nearby in case anything happens.
I’m 168 cm, I have short, blue hair, I’m fat, I have stretchmarks and I purposefully didn’t remove any of my body hair for a month prior to the performance. (Interestingly enough, I didn’t get a single comment on my hairiness.) I had a sign with the following text (both in English and in Hungarian):
I’m standing for anyone who has ever struggled with a self-esteem issue like me. Because all bodies are valuable. To support self-acceptance draw a ❤ on my body.
I took off my dress again, blindfolded myself and held out my hands. My gesture was inviting, at the same time it was an expression of I’m standing here, in front of you, with all my shields removed. I place all my trust in you, do with my trust whatever you feel is right. I didn’t feel vulnerable. For the most part. I felt empowered and loved. Most people who came up to me were extremely supportive. I’m glad I was blindfolded, this way the reactions were much more genuine than they would have been otherwise. (As you can see on the photos.)
I have always been on the chubby side. I have struggled with self-esteem when it comes to my body before I knew what self-esteem was. I have been told by society (family members, classmates, teachers, co-workers, and the media) that I should feel bad about my body. I’ve been told to be ashamed of it, I’ve been told to cover it up. I’ve been told that looking the way I do can compromise my success in all areas of life (areas completely unrelated to my body). Lucky enough, I’ve learned to love my body. I wanted to show that we all have the right to practice self-love. I truly believe that every body is beautiful. Wrinkles are beautiful, curves are beautiful, scars are beautiful, hair is beautiful and bald is beautiful. We are simply a beautiful species.
This performance has already been done twice before, originally by Jae West in London then it was recreated by Amy Pence-Brown in Idaho (US). Doing the same performance in different conditions inevitably draws attention to the differences of the reactions. While I had countless hearts drawn on me – similar to the previous performers – I also had a bunch of things drawn that had nothing to do with self-love. Some felt like writing their country on my skin (I’d say at least half the public were tourists). Some wrote their name, the date, etc. It felt a bit like being a bathroom wall in a bar. They marked me the same way. And there were also three penises drawn on me.
Anthony
beautiful (multiple times)
beauty
believe in yourself
brava
brave
csöcsök (boobs in Hungarian)
españa
fantastica
black scribble
így is értékes (valuable as is)
Korean characters
köszi (thanks in Hungarian)
Kuya (?)
love Israel
luve
Muy Bonita Mexico
naoyea (?)
nice
perfect
San Marino
supergirl
UK (twice)
you are a real hero
10/3/15
🙂
and countless hearts.
There were a few incidents when I felt like the trust I had put into the public was violated. Somebody rubbed his face on my bottom while taking a picture. Another guy expressed his strong wish to be with me in a more private setting after drawing two dicks on me with his friend. He wouldn’t leave even though I made it clear how uncomfortable he was making me feel. Another man stuck a pen between my thighs. As I winced he pulled it back and asked if he could draw testicles on me. I asked him not to and he left.
In Hungary body positivity and the issue of consent are rarely talked about in the media. Many people have yet to learn to respect the body of others. They saw me as entertainment. They couldn’t look beyond how my body could be a source of their pleasure. They didn’t see I was expressing an opinion. They didn’t look at me as an artist, not even as a person. They looked at me as an object.
There was a guy who was being very disrespectful and I started to feel really uncomfortable. He was standing on my left, talking to me in Hungarian. While on the right, as a woman put the pen back into my hand she felt how cold I was. She took my hand into hers and held it for a few minutes to warm it up. It felt amazing. I felt protected. I felt that the love and care I was being given was so much stronger than the feeling of being harassed. The same is true on a general level as well. While I was standing there the love and support I received was much more powerful than the judgemental comments and the disrespectful actions.
Many people said thank you. I’ve been called brave a couple of times. I appreciate these comments a lot but I don’t think what I did should be considered brave. There are people out there risking their lives for what they believe in, they are brave. I just stood on the street for an hour. Loving and accepting ourselves shouldn’t be a radical or extreme act. We are programmed to constantly focus on our flaws instead of our values. It’s such an unnecessary thing to worry about.
Make this a movement, people. Because all bodies are good bodies. I hope this performance will be done by people of all genders from all over the world, having different shades of skin, different shapes of bodies. Let’s continue the conversation. Let’s learn to love ourselves.
Originally published here on 09. 11. 2015.
Photographed by András Nagy
I repeated the performance in 2017 as part of the ESAF festival in Edinburgh, Scotland.
Zephyr Spring 